he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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