you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
