could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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