If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
