Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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