her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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