So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
