I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
