best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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