Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
