I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
