can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
