Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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