You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
