shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
