i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
