I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
