I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
