I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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