The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
