So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
