Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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