Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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