I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
