South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
