I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
