The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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