Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
