The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the day after is always just damage control
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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