did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
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and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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