I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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