New invention idea: vibrating tampons
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
