I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
