Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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