remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy