i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.