I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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