I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dear god my vagina.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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