you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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