i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
