Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Can you bring me the toilet please
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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