hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
