You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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