Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
