i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
