the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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