i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I love having hate sex.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
