ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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