I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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