you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
