By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
