Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
