The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
