I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
