Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
