he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
