I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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