Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
