i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
